Faking it

When did we start equating our worth by how much we’re accepted, needed, valued. We want so badly for people to not recognize our flaws, weakness, and humanity. How much do we spend on covering it up? The lengths we go to, denying and hiding our true self to maintain the image we label, perfection. We know it’s unattainable yet we still invest in it. Our time, energy, if possible, money. It is draining and suffocating trying to maintain this life, but we choose it. We give it power, feed into it, hence, we choose it. Whether driven by greed, fear, whatever it is, was your choice. To fake it.

It’s not that bad. We’ve done it most of our lives, it’s become almost as easy as breathing. As kids we’re conditioned that certain behaviour wields favourable results. Through observation, imitation of those around us, they shape for better or worse who we mould into. I guess if we are to award blame we could easily wash away the guilt and responsibility of who we are. The imperfect version is us. The if only notions could justify who we’ve become. It relieves the pressure. I can breathe a little better, even if it’s just for a moment. Self-pity turns to self-righteousness. I am owed, I was dealt the wrong card, it’s unfair.

It’s funny but when you think about it, most of us are driven by anger. There’s pain, but more-so anger. Anger of what we falsely believe to have happened wrongly. Maybe that’s why we religiously commit to right the wrong. Try to fix aspects of us, our environment, thinking that if we tweaked it a bit better, control this and that, it would all be different. It can all turn around. I can make up for what I never had, what I lost. Knowingly/unknowingly, we start faking it. Forcing ourselves into self-defined perfection, simultaneously dedicating to hiding and ridding our imperfection.

Would it be that bad if we chose to let go? Stopped maintaining, sustaining and hiding that which exhausts our soul. Unattainable standards that slowly rips and sinks us into a deep dark hole that seems to have no way out. It got a bit dark there, but it’s true. We’re slowly but surely betraying ourselves. Every time we choose to hide, we ridicule aspects of us that we’re ashamed of. Our flaws, imperfections. We will never be able to fully overcome unless we break the cycle. Otherwise, your life may accumulate to a series of faking it. Worse case scenario, you no-longer recognize yourself. You lose yourself to the point where you’ve sunk deeper and you don’t even know it. There’s no way out. It’s become your norm.

Your life.