Forgiveness
This one has haunted me. For a while now. Ever had something you knew you had to do, but for the life of you couldn’t explain why you’re not doing it? This was me with writing today’s topic of discussion: Forgiveness. I have struggled with the act itself for a long time now. It’s easy to say ‘forgive’. Most of us have heard the phrase: Forgive and forget. It’s annoying isn’t it? No? Good for you.
Truth is, I am grateful that I’m at a better point in my life where I understand what forgiveness is, all that entails and how to go about it. It would be incredibly selfish of me not to share the little knowledge I’ve acquired thus far, so here goes!
Forgiveness, in simple terms is letting go of resentment, negative emotions towards a person/yourself/group that has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness or not.
Hopefully the definition makes it clear on what is required. I don’t know about you, but for the longest time it was a paradox trying to figure out how to gauge if I’ve forgiven or not. For some reason I had built a whole complex situation around it. I suppose I wasn’t ready. But, here we are.
Without further ado, I present you: The guide/steps to forgiveness.
1.) Awareness and acknowledgement.
Stop running/hiding/distracting yourself from the fact that there’s a problem. You’ve been hurt/betrayed. Recognise your feelings about the situation. Don’t try to mask your emotions. Feel them, be aware of them. As you do this, you’re acknowledging the situation and yourself.
2.) Comparison.
Now we often do this unintentionally/unknowingly. Replay what has happened and try to re-create reality with ‘should haves’/’if only’ and the likes. It’s a painful and tiring affair. It never changes anything, only consumes your energy, time and is a distraction from dealing with the situation. The phrase ‘It is what it is’ comes to mind. They are who they are/they did what they did. No amount of wishing it didn’t happen can ever change that.
3.) Boundaries.
This is where you need to show up for yourself. Do the guarding and protecting from further harm. The best way to do this is by creating boundaries. Know thyself i.e: Your values, principles, what you can handle, what you cannot handle, protect you at all costs. I’m a firm believer that the measures we take to protect our peace, are never too extreme. The best fortitude you can build is within your mind. Yes it’s great if you’re in a position to move far away from those that hurt you but life has a funny way of reminding/confronting you with that which you’re trying to escape from, if you don’t deal with it.
Unfortunately, for most of us the people we need to forgive are those closest to us on a daily basis. Hence the love from a distance cannot apply. Unless, you apply the distance within your mind. It is possible. E.g: Limit your energy and the time you spend with them to what is necessary for the relationship. If it’s your work/family. Don’t overextend yourself.
Additional note: Creating boundaries will protect you from further situations that cause you harm.
Extra additional note: If the person you need to forgive is yourself? Set boundaries from the negative emotions/thought process you’ve created. That toxic conversation you have with you? It’s not criticism, you somewhere blurred the lines and now it’s self-hate. Allow the vulnerable and broken part of you to have a fair voice. They deserve peace. They deserve forgiveness too.
4.) Re-focus.
Forgiveness has to do with letting go. Stop holding on. The best way to do this is by re-focusing your time, energy and thoughts from them. Filling up the space/emptiness/void they created/left when they did what they did, with new self-care activities: i.e hobbies, journaling, physical activity, traveling, wait a minute! How can I forget the mother of all self-care activities?! Shame on me. Therapy people! Therapy greatly helps. (Shameless plug: contact us for the best guide and help for therapy services.)
Conclusion.
I’ve never come across an actual guide to forgiveness. I am sure they exist, somewhere. However, the above is one of the straightforward guides you’ll come across. Practice as often as possible and you’ll eventually get the hang of it. Practice with your delivery person the next time they delay your order. The ‘small’ stuff does amount to something. Building your fortitude remember? Re-wire your brain into creating a habit and eventually you won’t have to fight yourself too much when going through the process of forgiveness.
There! The best gift I can give you. It’s unmatched isn’t it?! You’re welcome, beautiful soul.
Love,
Pri.
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