Real talk: Human nature

I am very good at justifying myself. In painting a strong case without any reasonable doubt that indeed, I am not to be blamed.
However, at the end of the day. I know the truth.
I remember listening to a powerful poem a few weeks ago and it’s stuck on my mind every single day since.
A line that struck a chord or more so slapped me hard in the face that I am still trying to recover. It was:
“And I know I’m not doing well when the poems come naturally because apparently I’m not a good enough writer to capture life’s happiness”

Yeah, I am a recovering overthinker and this, this right here led me to backtrack every single piece I’ve ever written. Ever since high-school, every little thing I’ve written has been drawn from pain, sadness, longing. It is funny but at the end of the day it really isn’t. What does that say about me? I’m a therapist but before all that, I am human.
Maybe the problem is that I try to look at every little thing under the microscope of who I think I am perceived as. Who I am expected to be. What fits right.

I have a feeling I digress from my original train of thought. Yes, not being able to write from a happy stand point. Even when I am doing well and I want to write something, I have to draw from something heart-wrenching, emotional. Whether that means I play sad music, a well-known emotional show, whatever it takes to get me to that head space. That is what I am used to. It flows easily, naturally. I am comfortable with pain. It knows me, I know it, we understand each other.

And I think unfortunately most of us have that. A feeling that we’re so used to that even when we’re healed and there’s nothing wrong with our life, we find ourselves gravitating unconsciously back to it. Sadness, chaos, fear. It’s your friend. You’ve camped with them for the most part of your life that letting it go, turns to a toxic cycle where it is difficult. Maybe we’ve convinced ourselves it’s impossible to go on with life without it. That all you had to do was to get a grasp of it, manage it. Otherwise, there’s no harm right? There’s no harm. Yes? No? I don’t know.

Maybe I do. Maybe I don’t want to work on it, figure it out. What isn’t broken doesn’t need fixing. Oh this is wrong. This is so wrong. But come on, nobody’s perfect. What would happen if I dealt with all my issues and was perfectly healed? Perfection. No, I can’t put that much pressure on people. They have to relate to me. I have to leave a little bit of imperfection so that I don’t turn into a condescending, judgemental, human being.
I laugh at myself. This thought process is funny, I am funny. But then again, this is real talk. Unfiltered, honest, real talk. Maybe I should do more of this. I love how right now, words are flowing easily. I don’t have to think about how I need to cater to every single personality that reads my piece. I can just be free, at this moment, me.

I know I haven’t solved anything with all I’ve just said, but that was not the point. I don’t know what the point was however, like I love to say, the first step is awareness and acknowledgement. The rest, we’ll figure it out. Before any strategy, you need to know what you’re working with. Hopefully this encourages you to look at your own spec. What is that not-so-healthy emotion, feeling, that you’ve gotten comfortable with? Want to do something about it? For me, the verdict is still out on that one. However, now that I’ve made it public? I doubt I have a choice. But that’s an issue for another day. Hey! Progress, not perfection. That’s been my latest mantra. I won’t commit to anything, but I hope to see you soon.

Love,

Me.