Birthright
Lately I’ve been finding myself second-guessing every single move.
I’m too critical, too much. Too much doubt, too much hate, where do I draw the line?
I should award myself with a higher standard.
But all it does is leave me shattered.
I should be improving, however, I can’t help but find fault in everything.
Who’s to blame?
Maybe that’s the problem. That I try to place responsibility on someone, anyone, so long as it’s not me. It has to make sense. Things cannot just simply be. No, not where I am concerned. There has to be a reason, a purpose, meaning. It’s all connected. It has to be. Otherwise all that has happened thus far is futile.
I refuse to have wasted all that energy, all that fight to get me to where I am now, just for it to what?
Not matter? Not having a grander plan?
Is it pretentious of me? I think not.
Try walking in my shoes, overcome all that I have managed to, then call me pretentious. Oh yes, I am very much aware we all have our story. Something we’ve had to overcome. Some of us, we’re still in that process. However, when did standing up for myself, upholding my standard mean I am disrespecting or minimising yours?
If I don’t stand up for me. Who will?
It is not my fault that I choose to boldly fight for me. Am I too loud? I should apologise. Does my voice offend you? I should be aware of that. Does my presence defy you?
Well darling, I don’t know how I can be of help there.
The world has dragged me down one too many times for me to assist in bending and breaking myself just to fit around.
I confess, there was a time I wanted nothing else but to be part of it. One with all of it. Not to stand too loud, but feel like I am part of the crowd. Peace would fill my mind when I imagined that world. I craved for it. Almost obsessed over it.
But now, here we are. Me against the world? Well these days it feels like it’s me against me. I am my own enemy. There’s beauty and danger in being too self-aware. Makes you second guess your every move. Over-analysing and overthinking bears no difference. It is true what they say, ignorance is bliss.
Cause now, now I am left with this knowledge that it’s all on me. To fight, to break, to give grace, love and hate. All of this is on me. What I allow, what I don’t. What I give power, what I don’t. It’s all on me. A burden? A gift? Open to interpretation every single moment of everyday.
The least I can do is mute all else. Focus on myself. That way, if there’s a fight? I know it’s within. It doesn’t make it right, but at least love, we’ll be alright. We’ll find the light. Remember, we have authority. We got everything we need to set priority. You, me, us.
I call it, my birthright.
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